Grief: What is Normal and When Should I Seek Help?
“The pain of grief is just as much part of life as the joy of love: it is perhaps the price we pay for love, the cost of commitment.”
Grief is among the hardest conditions we face as humans. Rather than a fixed state of being, grief is a process that an individual (or collective group) moves through to integrate a loss into our present sense of self and our understanding of the world.
J. William Worden, professor, grief therapist and author of a textbook widely used to train grief therapists, has conceptualized four ‘tasks of grieving’ which he asserts make up the structure of the grieving process. His four tasks- which incidentally may occur in any order, are:
Task 1: To Accept the Reality of the Loss
Task 2: To Process the Pain of Grief
Task 3: To Adjust to a World Without the Deceased
Task 4: To Find an Enduring Connection With the Deceased in the Midst of Embarking on a New Life
In addition to loss associated with death, we also experience grief with other losses including break-ups, loss of possessions (stolen or destroyed places or things) loss of identity (sexual orientation or gender changes), roles (employment, role in family system) or the larger sense of loss of self (who am I?) that can arise at any life stage.
Symptoms of Grief
Grief can make us feel crazy. Common symptoms of grief include sleep problems, inability to concentrate, nightmares, intrusive thoughts, mood volatility, feelings of sadness, nausea, hopelessness, and eating and drinking changes. Fortunately, just because you are feeling crazy doesn’t mean that you are! Losing someone or something you cared about deeply SHOULD be hard, grief reminds us of our humanity and we have to be gentle with ourselves as we heal.
What helps?
Return to the basics, drink lots of water, eat healthy foods, stick to daily routines as best as possible, make sleep a priority. It’s important to make time for sadness but also make time for ‘normalcy’ as best you can. Don’t force grieving, it will take time.
When should I seek professional support?
Some sources will tell you to seek professional support if you are continuing to experience unresolved grief after 6 months, but I think this advice is misguided. Time is a poor metric to establish benchmarks for grief because all of us experience each grief event differently. Much of how we process of grief depends on our previous life experiences, resources, and relationship with what has been lost (the more complicated the relationship, the more complicated the grief). Early intervention can make a big difference so if you are in doubt, reach out! A licensed mental health professional trained in grief work can help you know whether you are processing grief normally or if therapy or supportive services could help.