Talking to Kids about Difficult Feelings
As a therapist, many parents come to me seeking help in supporting their kids through difficult feelings. Parents want to be emotionally available for their child but often struggle to create the type of relationship where their kids feel emotionally supported. Sometimes parents do not understand the origin of their child’s feeling, sometimes the parent is so focused on the behavior fueled by the feelings that the feeling is overlooked, and sometimes the parent worries that their reaction to the feeling (or behavior)will ultimately cause more problems for their child. Here are some tips for helping your child communicate their feelings with you.
If we want kids to express their feelings we have to directly communicate that we want to hear their feelings! This happens both by saying it directly to them, “I’d really like to hear how you are feeling about your new teacher” and by modeling emotional expression ourselves. While I wouldn’t suggest a 20 minute rant about the outrage and hatred you feel for your boss- save that for your therapist, I would recommend saying things like, “I felt frustrated at work today because my boss treated me in a way that I felt was unfair, but I still really love my job l”. This helps kids feel that it’s ok to express complicated feelings and that we are emotionally equipped to help them unpack the range of emotions possible.
Introduce the gray into a black and white world. Kids struggle with absolutes- as do many adults, but often our feelings are complicated and intertwined. Absolutes make it difficult to acknowledge conflicting feelings-but conflicted feelings are the ones we actually need help with! . For example, instead of asking if your day was ‘good’, a fun dinner activity is doing a “rose and thorn” from the day- what is something you liked about your day and how did it make you feel (rose) and what was something you did not like about your day and how did it make you feel (thorn).
Increase your child’s emotional vocabulary. If your child says they “hate” a friend who has rejected them, explore the more nuanced emotions involved. Did you feel outraged? Rejected? Disappointed? Hurt? (There are endless feelings faces charts online that can help you and your child build upon their emotional vocabulary).The more words your child has to describe their feelings the better they can understand what would help them cope. The better your child can can communicate their needs, the more likely others will be able to help them with their feelings. The ability to communicate feelings leads to healthy relationships so this is a great gift you are giving them.
If you notice in the process that you are uncomfortable talking to your kids about feelings, supporting their feelings, or creating a safe place to verbalize all feelings, it might be good to connect with a therapist who can help you explore your own relationship with emotions and help you clear any obstacles to being the type of emotionally available parents you would like to me. The most important work we do to support our kids is work we do to identify and heal our own stuff. If in doubt, reach out!